Op-Ed: Drake's Son Is Soft, Specifically The Top Of His Head

Op-Ed: Drake's Son Is Soft, Specifically The Top Of His Head

Like Champagne Papi, like Champagne Son. 

Canadian child star Drake (Aubrey Drake Graham) is known for his weep-along sadboi records and courtside temper tantrums, and it looks like his newborn son didn’t fall far from the tree. The kid is soft; and when I say soft, I’m talking about the top of his head.

There’s no mistaking it: true hip hop heads can’t help but scoff at the pampered weakness of Drake’s baby’s un-calcified anterior fontanelle. Even the slightest pressure on the crown of his head reveals an unhardened flimsiness that’s more at home in a soft blankie or bouncy Bjorn than out here in these streets. The boy’s coronal suture just ain’t bout that life.

The new generation of “emotional,” “sensitive,” and “neonatal” babies makes a mockery of decades of hip hop history. These babies don’t even know who Tupac is. All they do is mumble and wear non-gendered attire.

Drake’s dough-like child serves as a sad reflection of the rap game today. While other, realer rapper babies like Baby Future and Saint West stay hustling with fully ossified bregmas, it’s the spongy-headed youngbloods always stealing all the shine. Chief Keef’s 3-year-old son Sno FilmOn Dot Com Cozart has a forehead that could crack a Nokia phone, but can a toddler get a feature? Not in 2018…

Like a freshly circumcised, half-French Harry Potter, Baby Graham is destroying an empire from the comfort of his crib. He displays a vulnerability that undermines the very essence of rap music, and it’s a quarter-sized squishy area on top of his head. RIP, hip hop.

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Dr. Quentin “EZ Rhymez” Jenkins

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