Office Just Gonna Make New Guy Do Everything
Citing his eager-to-please attitude and naive, idealistic office demeanor, employees at the New York Giants reported Sunday that they were probably just gonna make recent hire Saquon Barkley do pretty much everything.
“Look, I used to be a bright-eyed youngster too, but I’ve been with this company since I graduated college nearly fifteen years ago” said starting quarterback Eli Manning. “Between you and me, I’ve been totally phoning it in since 2011— just kinda going through the throwing motions, y’know? At this point, I’m ready to just zone out and play some Minesweeper in my collapsing pocket.”
Sources at the water cooler reported that just about everyone in the office was delegating their work to Barkley, from responsibilities like cleaning the microwave and restocking the printer, to gaining yardage and scoring points.
“I’m just so grateful to be a part of this team, to work hard and give it everything I got,” said the number two draft pick Barkley, delivering coffee to his supervising manager while dodging eleven unblocked tacklers for a touchdown. “I walk, cutback, change direction, and hurdle into work every day with a smile in my face and a pep in my gargantuan step.”
Coworker Odell Beckham, Jr. could not be reached for comment, but at press time was spotted tearfully throwing punches at the copy machine.