Nationwide Relief As Everyone Finds Out The White Dude Who Won The Pulitzer Prize For Fiction Is Gay At Least
As our foremost cultural institutions grapple with how to recognize and honor the contributions of anyone who’s not a cishet white dude, the Pulitzer Prize Board has pulled off a legendary con.
While the Pulitzer Prize announcements last week featured Kendrick Lamar and Martyna Majok among the winners — artists deserving of recognition who might not have received it in the past — the marquee Fiction award was bestowed upon author Andrew Sean Greer. (Greer is an Italy-based novelist with the name of a casually racist investment banker from Westchester.)
Brooklyn woman Jenny Rodriguez was initially less than pleased.
“At first I was like, of course it’s a white dude with the three whitest first names available,” explained Rodriguez. “It’s like someone dipped a baby name book in bleach.”
But the uproar quieted slightly as millions of Americans realized the Pulitzer Board had gotten them good. Within hours, the Twittersphere discovered that not only is Greer gay — his novel is pretty gay, too. Twitterheads across the nation reported feeling a small sense of relief.
“I can’t believe they pranked me. Here I was, stressing about how the Pulitzers just keep doing what they been doing — but then they go out there and award a gay guy. And he’s out as fuck! None of that poetic ‘I don’t use labels’ nonsense,” said Rodriguez.
“And sure, handsome white gay dudes don’t face the same level of systemic discrimination the rest of us do. And fine, white gay guys have always gotten artistic recognition. And okay, now that they got gay marriage, white gay guys have stopped helping out the rest of the queer community.”
“But at least this Andrew John Rear guy has dealt with something. Presumably. 80% sure he has. Don’t quote me.”
According to Pulitzer spokesman Aaron Peterson, the award represents the Pulitzer Board’s commitment to “clearing the lowest possible bar with regard to recognizing more diverse talent.”
“And the triumph of white gay men is a victory for everyone,” said Peterson, a white gay man.