Military Officials Scrambling After Leaked Documents Detail Afghanistan War Crimes By The General

Military Officials Scrambling After Leaked Documents Detail Afghanistan War Crimes By The General

ARLINGTON, VA—U.S. defense officials are backtracking after recent cyber attacks reveal shocking incidents of war and humanitarian crimes in Afghanistan by celebrity spokesperson and Four-Star General, more commonly known as “The General” from The General’s Insurance.

The General has been a constant in American households from his whimsical appearances in low-budget The General Insurance commercials, which often included everyday people and even basketball superstar Shaquille O'Neal.

“What most people don’t understand is that The General was such a good salesman because he is evil incarnate,” said a military officer who would only speak with anonymity, “When he showed up in camp, I thought he was going to be such a fun guy and at first he was. But after what he made us do to those poor people and their goats, I can barely look myself in the mirror.”

When asked to expound on the specific incidents the military officer of 20 years declined to answer but added: “He’s not all bad. He did get me a great insurance rate on my Ford Fiesta.”

Following President Joe Biden’s April 2021 declaration that American troops will withdraw from Afghanistan on the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, this new development has come as a pressing blow for the Administration.

“We went into Afghanistan with the clear objections of reducing terrorism and locating and terminating Al-Qaeda leaders. Our operations were not always perfect, but this development was from like ten years ago. It’s not even that relevant, really.”

When pressed on the fact that the alleged events took place while he was Vice President, President Biden responded by showing reporters blurry pictures of Major Biden with his grandchildren in Delaware.

“That’s what I call America! May God bless the beautiful country and may God bless our insurance spokespeople!” Biden said.

New reports accuse The General of wanton endangerment of both friendly forces and civilian residents, embezzlement of precious goods to the United States, and reckless behavior in the field.

“He would show up to tactical briefings with three sex workers, drunk and high off his gourd,” added Retired Three-Star Army General Jake Black, now known as Jake from State Farm, “He would yell: ‘For the best car insurance, rates online! Motherfucker go to THE. GENERAL. and save some time dammit! I’m a star! I can do whatever I want!’”

Actor J.K. Simmons, who plays Professor Nathaniel Burke in Farmers Insurance Group commercials, wrote on Instagram: “My studies have shown that spokespeople should remain as marketing tools. Making The General an active military official was a mistake from the jump. You can enroll in my new masterclass to hear more about this and more. Link in bio!”

The General refused to comment when contacted. Shaq, however, did not hesitate to provide this statement and collect his check: “We can not condone the allegations of The General in Afghanistan. The General’s Insurance will move past these dark developments and continue to shatter the backboard of high car insurance rates! Call now!”

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