Malala Yousafzai Went On Roast Battle And Won Because Everyone Was Too Scared To Be Mean To Her
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Malala Yousafzai has finally won the title that has eluded her for all these years—Roast Battle Champion.
Yousafzai beat Roast Battle stalwarts Lisa Lapenelli, Jeff Ross, and Anthony Jeselnik before taking the crown. “I was really going to tear into her with some terribly racist material,” said Lapenelli, “then I remembered how the Taliban tried to assassinate her, and that she’s started several organizations with the aim of helping girls and women all over the world. Then she called me a fat talentless bitch and there was no way I could recover after that. Kudos to Malala.”
“I saw an interview where Malala said her favorite show was ‘The Big Bang Theory,” said Ross. “I wanted to dig into her for that, but then I started watching the show. I had never really sat down and watched it. It’s actually really good. People give it a ton of shit because it’s popular, but the writing is actually super funny. Congrats to Malala.”
“They wanted me to roast Malala and I said, ‘I’m not touching that with a ten foot pole, and I fucked Amy Schumer,’” Jeselnik said forcing a joke in, “to me there are no limits when it comes to roasting. I don’t give a fuck about anything, and you can tell because I’m a white guy with a leather jacket, but Malala? That’s just too far. She’s a damned angel. Also, my first joke bombed and then she said she hadn’t seen a bombing that bad since she left Pakistan.”
After her win Yousafzai said she plans to start a new non-profit organization aimed at helping young women and girls of color write roast jokes targeted at mediocre white comedians who hide behind the First Amendment to tell poorly written racist jokes.