Major Win For Marlboro: It Seems Everyone Wants To Die
Whether you’re a smoker or not, here’s a development that’s bound to be good news for Marlboro’s shareholders: it seems like pretty much everybody wants to die.
“Thanks to smear campaigns and oppressive health education standards, the general public has never been more aware of the harmful effects of smoking cigarettes,” said Marlboro representative Ellen Rugh. “Luckily that’s had no impact on sales, as it seems just about everyone from the ages of 18-35 yearns for the sweet release of death. Our POC audience, especially, ‘stans’ death, and believes death is ‘on fleek.’ We must capitalize on this. Dab.”
Following intensive market research efforts, Marlboro’s Research & Development Department released a comprehensive report concluding that in the year 2018, nearly just about everybody wanted to die, pretty much all the time. In the thousands of interviews conducted, participants’ reasons for wanting to die ranged from “pretty much everything” to “all of it, just all of it constantly all the time,” to simply gesturing exasperatedly before burying their head in their hands.
“These findings will be dictating our marketing campaigns for the foreseeable future,” said head researcher Phil Lawton. “From now on, we’ll be highlighting the fact our cigarettes are much more fatal than our competitors.”
At press time, Marlboro representatives announced that the tobacco company was developing a Nacho Cheese cigarette that offers a smooth, flavorful tang and an even cheesier demise. Meanwhile, new reports suggest Carmelo Anthony has signed on as spokesperson, after the incredible success of his Payless line.