I Was Today Years Old When I Realized You Were A Little Bitch
Man, Twitter is gonna drag me for this one! I can’t believe it! Here I am, Today Years Old and only just now realizing you were a sloppy little bitch, a total butt, an absolute clown. Twitter is gonna have a field day.
Everyone has been Today Years Old lately for a myriad of stupid and obvious facts. Like how Cuba Gooding Jr. and Omar Gooding are brothers. Or how the L in STAPLES is designed to look like a half opened staple. Or even how when the little piggy goes to the market, it means he was sent to the butcher. And I always was amazed at how painfully naive so many people were.
But now the tables have turned. And I am the dunce in the corner. Because I am Today Years Old and I’m only just now opening my eyes to what a sweaty little hog you are. A total whimpering cheese. A smug fucking little brat, mewling in the undercarriage. You little bitch.
It is our Lord’s year 2019 and I am, in truth, Today Years Old. I’ve discovered tons of things in my time. The falsity of Santa Claus. The pains of death. The wonders of love. That I have car sickness. But never in my sabbatical of life did I cover the field study that would lead me to this lesson: that you’re a salty little bitch. I feel ignorant, like all my studies and textbook researches have failed me. How have I gone on so long to become the ripe old age of Today Years Old and am only just now realizing that you’re a walking porkflap, a shivering jowl in the wind? But alas—I was the fool.
But no longer. Because now I am Today Years Old and I’ve learned the truth. You’re a little bitch.