'Homina Blastima, Enama Polap!' Local Sims Protest Proposed Mega-House
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Non-playable residents of Sim City gathered this week to protest the latest addition to their digital neighborhood: a giant mega-mansion. Sim City billionaire, and local eighth-grader, Teddy Maroney funded and designed the new construction despite no previous experience in architecture and a failing grade in woodshop.
The building, a brutalist structure featuring few windows and a surprising number of kitchens, has been called gronji (“disgusting”, in their native Simlish) for more reasons than one.
“It’s non-functional and, frankly, inhumane. Docka morpher?” stated Repoman Bud, who has a mohawk for some reason. “There are thirty beds upstairs, but the stairs are blocked by a giant entertainment center. No one can sleep. It’s madness!”
Other non-playables expressed similar concerns, including Fire Fighter Freddy who cited the building for hundreds of fire safety violations.
Mr. Maroney, new to the Sims, brings with him an overwhelming fortune gained from the rosebud cheat. These unlimited funds have enabled him to create “Teddy Hall” free of financial restrictions and moral concerns. The nascent tycoon and budding despot has demonstrated more interest in subverting the architecture simulator than creating a livable environment for the Sims. Before entering residential real estate, Maroney reportedly cut his teeth in the amusement park business, designing purposefully incomplete roller coasters resulting in the deaths of hundreds of park guests.
“We appreciate the new apartments, I guess, but Teddy’s designs don’t have our concerns in mind,” says Bridgit the Maid. “There are holes in the floors, no doors for the restroom, and Gardener Gloria has been stuck indefinitely in that weird maze he built. Sisaroom?"
Not all in attendance were against Teddy Hall. An enthusiastic Sim named Eet Butz was in favor of the building, stating: “FUUUUUUU.”
We were later informed that Butz is a playable Sim created by Mr. Maroney. Butz drowned in a pool later that day.
It seems that money still buys power here in Sim City: Teddy Hall will go ahead as planned. The locals will have to learn to navigate the doorless rooms, communal bed spaces, and blindingly-white office LED fixtures.
As of this publication, there have been no regulations stipulated regarding the Woo-Hooing protocol allowed on the premises.
Co-written by Bongani Jeranyama
