Former "Fastest Man In The World" Usain Bolt Continues To Dominate Off The Track As He Becomes The Son Your Mother Wants
Usain Bolt retired as one the greatest Olympians ever, and is currently pursuing another athletic dream as a professional soccer player — but it looks like he has another major goal he’s chasing: making your mother happy as her new son.
According to reports from their thrice-a-week conversations initiated by Bolt, your mother is so happy to hear that he has gotten back together with Kim, your college girlfriend who moved to Phoenix for law school. While it hasn't been a perfect start, with Bolt not fitting the sweater she bought you, it all came together when he went over her house to help set up Apple Pay and admire the 2½ scarves she's knit.
Another recent discovery is that the Olympic legend’s asymmetrical stride, which has been credited with his ability to smash previous track world records, has made him a marvel at yard work. Bolt mowing your mother’s lawn in under 15 minutes obliterated the previous record holder’s time of 3 weeks of ghosting when asked.
Sources say that post-well rounded breakfast, Bolt was last seen replying an earnest ‘LOL’ to an emailed 6 minute clip of Steve Harvey reactions from Family Feud.