FLEXX Investigates: If White Guys Invented Basketball Why Did They Play It Bad?
Disclaimer: Respect to the folks of European descent, and thank you for basketball.
As a hornball fan of Yao Ming and other giraffes in sneakers, it is my duty to reflect on the mystery of the white man’s tribulations in basketball. Let’s grab this ball-portunity and examine the pinnacle question of basketball’s evolution... if white guys invented basketball why are they tossing up brick after brick? Let’s look at the timeline.
January 15, 1892 - The Original 13 Basketball Rules, just repeating Rule 1: “Just Try To Be Better At This.”
January 1, 1907 - The All Black Olympian Athletic League is created, a revolution for the sport moving away from frail white, veiny, bruisy hands to folks who started to play the game good.
August 7, 1936 - A much needed outsourcing occurs, by introducing basketball to the Olympics for worldwide draft opportunities (except for you Danish dukes with long fingernails).
February 7, 1945 - The inventor of the 3 Point Line ends up being a white fella named Howard Hobson, which we may attribute to a random freak and individually pleasant accident.
April 24, 1994 - WNBA now exists because it turns out women are not white guys.
June 26, 2002 - Outsourcing efforts pull through; Yao Ming is the first International NBA Draft and declared all-time hottie by a lone Chicagoan teen girl.
There is more to inquire of basketball’s unique history — the great irony that the white men who invented it are absolute dogshit in the paint.
