Epstein Conspiracy Theorist Calls 9-11 Conspiracy Theorist “Oldhead”
The scene turned tense yesterday as 17-year-old Jeffrey Epstein conspiracy theorist Petey Gonsalves accused 38-year-old 9-11 conspiracy theorist Jackson Fowler of being an “oldhead.”
“I remember the room just went silent,” said on-looker and prominent Flat Earther, Jeremy Stokes. “Everyone turned around to look, or rather, turned a-flat? Dude, I don’t know.”
It was shaping up to be a fun event at the 34th Annual Conspiracy Gala, held this year in a man’s backyard in Pensacola. But then, the unthinkable happened: a generational gap became violently prevalent.
“This uncle-type-ass was going on about this September 11 shit again, like any of us fuck with that anymore. Like, bro, ‘Jet Fuel Can’t Melt Steel Beams’ is a tired track. Like, it’s not really that good though.” Gonsalves recounted the story in an instagram live watched by -3 viewers. “Epstein’s the hot new shit now, man. Get on the wave.”
Fowler, however, went on The Breakfast Club to disagree, arguing loudly that conspiracies nowadays lack the range and nuance that the conspiracies of the 90s and early 00s had.
“Youngblood doesn’t realize that his whack ass conspiracies wouldn’t even exist had it not been for the hits,” said Fowler, adjusting his snapback that just reads the word DOPE. “I’m talking about ‘George Bush did 9-11’, ‘The Government is Run By Lizard People,’ and ‘The Moon Landing was OD Fake’. Like, you can’t talk about conspiracies today unless you mention the greats. You gotta pay your respects.”
The heated debate continued online for several hours until the two were finally able to agree to disagree, finding a mutual appreciation for the discography of the Illuminati.