Diversity Fire! This Black-Owned Business Hires Rich White Kids Just To Fire Them And Let Me Tell You That Shit Never Gets Old
Blend Cafe, a sandwich shop in Bed-Stuy, has retaliated against the ugly practice of “diversity hires” by hiring rich white kids looking for summer jobs for the sole purpose of firing them two days later and my god—it feels amazing.
“At first we couldn’t believe they had the audacity to even apply,” owner Keisha Tate said. “But then we realized: nothing would feel better than taking something, anything, away from some legacy-student named Dax and holy ham was I right.”
“I see any job and assume I can have it,” Brad Hagerstrom, a trust-fund baby living off the Bedford L-stop to “see what art is like” before going to Georgetown Law, said. “When they fired me almost immediately, I was sad.” Reports indicate that upon hearing Brad was sad, several people, both related to Blend Cafe and not, were very happy.
Marcus Faulk, a server at Blend Cafe, said that the staff expected the deep, visceral joy to stop after the third entitled doofus with no self-awareness was copped-and-dropped, but these whites keep applying. “They know this is the rule, but because of everything that’s happened to them their entire lives, they think they’re gonna be the exception. If they weren’t awful, it’d be pretty impressive,” he said. “What with these kids having truly every advantage, and no signs that that’s gonna change anytime soon, it’s honestly very cool to see them take at least one L,” he said through the type of pure smile just you can’t fake.
“I’ve been running this place for a long time, and believe me when I say the sweet joy of firing these kids gets me through my toughest days,” Keisha said with a glow that made this reporter believe in the concept of hope again. “I don’t know if you can print this in the magazine or whatever,” she continued, “but it’s genuinely as good as cumming.”
Flexx can report that several of the fired whites have immediately found work at companies such as Morgan Stanley, Fox, and The Washington Redskins.