Cupid Showing His Whole Ass This Year
Valentine’s Day is finally here so be careful because this year Cupid will be showing his whole ass. What that means? He’s gonna air your dirty laundry like it’s everyone’s business and he’s not even gonna give a fuck. The good news is that you won’t have to worry about being shot with an arrow, but the bad news is that you’ll be shot with a goddamn look.
iPhone users have recently reported receiving airdropped pictures of Cupid’s fit everyday of the week since January 1st. These outfits have all been themed based on very specific emotions including “don’t bring that sad energy out to the club with us tonight” and “300 likes in 14 minutes.”
Restaurants are seeing a sharp decline in reservations as couples are skipping out on dinner in fear of dealing with Cupid’s attitude. “I thought about going out but we’d have to pay fifty dollars extra for Cupid insurance,” one Valentine-To-Be said. Upon further investigation, we found that Cupid insurance was a policy implemented to protect couples from “the air out” of the century in which Cupid would air out both partner’s secrets and flaws.
When asked why Cupid was behaving so out of character this year, he simply said, “I bust my ass all day and Cardi B still took Offset back, nothing matters.”