CDC Reports Alarming Rise Of “Hangin’ Around Those White Boys Too Much”
Scientists predict that by 2025, one in three black males will be diagnosed with “Hangin’ Around Those White Boys Too Much” — or in scientific terms, Weirdurum Whiteshitimus. This disease is especially prevalent in summer months when watersports and pop-up flea markets are most popular. Hotbeds of the terrifying disease include Brooklyn, Houston, and Madison.
Dr. John Wilbon has studied the phenomenon for nearly a decade and believes it will only grow worse. “Weirdurum Whiteshitimus is primarily airborne and spreads through the body quickly. A victim may find himself singing along to ‘Sweet Caroline’ in a pub, and the next day go cliff-diving without a life jacket.”
For Wilbon, the disease has personal significance. In 1998, Wilbon lost his brother to “Hangin Around Those White Boys Too Much,” which at the time was a new disease that baffled doctors. “My brother walked in with grass stains on his jeans and said he was going back out to play roller hockey,” said Wilbon. But his brother didn’t return after roller hockey. Instead, he embarked on an impromptu cross-country trip the next day without packing extra underwear.
When asked to comment, Wilbon’s brother Lucas stated, “Fuck you mom!” — one of the most severe symptoms that indicates the disease has entered its terminal stage.
Luckily, Stanford Medical Center reports that new treatments are under development, including “your uncle talking to your dumb ass for a second,” attending a family cookout, and the Eastern medicinal approach of eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.