Apologies: R. Kelly Is A Rapist In Every Spider-Verse
Spider-Man here. First off, I want to say I’m sorry for letting R. Kelly slide for so long. I realize now that I should’ve acted a little sooner. That one’s on me. In trying to right my wrongs, I’ve traveled to every single dimension in hopes of bringing back an R. Kelly that’s not a rapist. But lo and behold, he’s a rapist in every single Spider-Verse. Even the pig one.
Now I’ve dealt with my share of bad guys. The Green Goblin, Venom, Doc Ock. But even they have a good counterpart in some dimensions. In one dimension, I play doubles with Sandman! So I was really hoping I could find an R. Kelly who’s just a normal, well-adjusted R&B singer. A dimension where I can still listen to “Bump N’ Grind” and “Ignition (Remix)” but goddamn if you wouldn’t believe it, he’s a child molester and sex cultist in every dimension. From D-1 to D-138972 (the one where everyone is a cheese and he’s having sex with Babybels).
I know I really dropped the ball here. I can’t help but feel bad that not only is he a rapist in every Spider-Verse, but I’ve also failed to put him behind bars in every single one. There’s even a dimension where I do a collab album with him. It wins several Grammys and only after taking heat on Twitter do I post an apology and express remorse.
I don’t know what to say or how to rectify this, but please believe me when I say I’m traveling to each Spider-Verse and kicking his ass. And then kicking the ass of all the Spider-Men that failed their jobs. We really shouldn’t have let this get so out of hand.
Your friendly neighborhood hero,