Results Are In: Jackie Chan Is Everyone's Dad
Congratulations to movie star, martial arts master, and all-around decent guy Jackie Chan, on officially being named Everyone’s Dad.
Chan, 63, gained the title today following the results of a global paternity test that proved every person alive is now his direct descendant. This marks a change in the genetic profile of all the humans on Earth, who were previously the offspring of longtime Everyone’s Dad, Tom Hanks.
Hanks, 61, presented Chan with his new title at a ceremony Chan insisted on catering from his own backyard grill. After exchanging playful jabs to the stomach with Mr. Hanks for approximately twenty minutes, Mr. Chan accepted the award with a lively speech. “Call me a boat salesman, because this ceremony has been an oar-deal,” Chan joked, to a smattering of groans.
“Seriously, though, it’s an honor to be the first Chinese Everyone’s Dad, and especially to take it away from a white imperialist like Tom Hanks. What? I can’t say ‘white imperialist’ anymore? But that’s what he is! Gosh, sorry, I can’t keep up with this PC culture.” Chan said he would celebrate by watching half of Young Sheldon and drinking a quarter of a Bud Heavy before dozing off in his favorite recliner.
Mr. Chan is the first Everyone’s Dad of color since Danny Glover in 1992.
*Headline by Kat Chen.