Half-Mexican Woman Hires A Biology Professor To Explain Genetics And Phenotypes To Her White Friends

At brunch last Sunday, Chicago woman Karen Cortez was recently asked to explain her ethnic background to her white friends, since they weren’t sure she was actually half-Mexican because she definitely didn’t look half-Mexican to them, but then again she didn’t look completely white to them either. 

Instead of justifying her appearance for the millionth time, Cortez said “fuck this shit” and immediately hired a tenured Biology professor to explain multiraciality to her friends.

Dr. Beverly Hare, a Genetics professor from Duke University, joined their brunch table and began to explain: “Genotype is the genetic makeup of an organism, but the phenotype is how genetic and environmental influences create physical appearance.”

“That’s not how sperm works,” argued 24-year old Connor Jackson, a sheltered white dude from Iowa, even though he didn’t graduate college and is living off checks from his parents.

According to Jackson, “White sperm isn’t as strong as brown sperm, or rather, a brown egg is tougher than a white man’s sperm, so all mixed race babies should look like the non-white person. Duh!” 

Dr. Hare, flabbergasted that a person without a degree would challenge a person considered an expert in her field, explained that ‘race’ has no effect on the way sperm impregnates an egg, and added that race is a complicated social construct, but Jackson could not be dissuaded. 

“Yo, I know cum,” Jackson said, with an air of millenial authority. “Particularly my own cum. My cum would lose the DNA battle and my babies would look mixed as fuck. Just look at Obama. His dad had stronger cum. That’s what made him so great. It’s cum genetics.”

Dr. Hare left the restaurant soon after muttering about the Dunning–Kruger effect, while the rest of the table went on to discuss cum-spider-big-dick-womb-gene wars. Except for Cortez, who left to find better friends.