Man Out Of 10-Year-Long Coma With New Lease On Life, Expired Lease On Honda Civic
ST. LOUIS—Don Stubblefield, 28, miraculously awoke from a ten-year coma on Tuesday, just in time to see the sunrise before he was bombarded with a great deal of bad news.
“I’m just happy to be alive,” said Stubblefield before hearing the state of his affairs. He grinned ear to ear and continued, “I’ll never take advantage of anything ever again!” This was a sentiment that proved to be short-lived.
Rick Kershaw, the Stubblefield family lawyer, was the first acquaintance on the scene. After privately updating Stubblefield, Kershaw unburdened this comment, “The truth is, his life post-coma is no doubt going to suck. If I remember correctly, Don only cares about three things: his car, his cover band, and his family. Lucky for me, I only had to inform him about his car,” he squinted at a document he brought in, “the 2010 Honda Civic Si that he was one payment away from owning, was repossessed after he slipped into a coma."
Stubblefield looked hurt upon hearing the news but not defeated. Yet. He kept his chin up and asked, “Wasn’t I in a cover band? I think we did pop songs, like N*Sync. Whatever happened to that? We were called,” after taking a second searching through the haze, he remembered, “One Direction. Is One Direction still around?”
At that time, nurse Paige Gills, 24, entered the room for a routine vital check. Upon hearing the name One Direction, she shook, overcome with fandom, and blurted out, “One Direction?! They’re amazing. Widely considered the best boyband to ever exist. I’ve heard rumors that they’re so famous now, it’s hard for anyone to get a millisecond of their time. Even their parents… Are you a fan?”
Stubblefield’s heart rate instantly spiked to dangerous levels, causing Dr. Malcolm Fitzpatrick, the physician assigned to Stubblefield’s case all these years, to shut down the interview. The media was swiftly escorted from the room and asked to leave. Which we did… after listening to this little nugget through the door.
Things took a turn for the worst after Stubblefield asked, “Has anyone called my family yet?”
Dr. Fitzpatrick solemnly congratulated Stubblefield on his miraculous recovery and promptly apologized for this final hit of bad news, “I’m sorry, Don, but they’re gone. The cause? Grief, due to your comatose state. So, technically, it’s your fault they’re dead. I remember it like it was yesterday—they were slipping into the light, screaming in a deafening pain. I cradled them both in my arms as they pitifully muttered they’re last words, 'Don’t give up on Don for at least ten years.' So, Don, seeing as tomorrow was the day I was gonna pull your plug, I’d say you’re a pretty lucky guy.”
