CIA To Celebrate Eid, Allow Muslim Detainees To Choose Their Preferred Torture Method
Washington, D.C.—The CIA announced this week that they would, for the first time in the agency’s history, acknowledge and celebrate Eid Al-Fitr by allowing all Muslim detainees to choose how they prefer to be tortured.
“We got a lot of criticism for not being inclusive or diverse and we’re making an effort this year,” said CIA director William Joseph Burns while yelling ‘Eid Mubarak’ and waterboarding a Muslim detainee. “He consented to be waterboarded as his Eid present so I’m just doing what I'm told!”
According to Burns, Muslim detainees will be able to choose fingernail removal, waterboarding, or having to listen to Kid Rock on a 24-hour loop.
“People have been buzzing all week in anticipation of what the detainees will choose. We have a lot of Kid Rock fans so fingers crossed that we get to listen to the Kid for a day. Bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy!” sang Burns as he attached a car battery to a prisoner's genitals.
“To be fair we have always celebrated Ramadan by not allowing Muslim prisoners to eat or drink at any point in the day. Maybe you could say we’re better Muslims than they are!” said CIA interrogator Gabe Jones while choosing the menu for the detainees’ Eid dinner. “These lucky sons of bitches get to eat raw pig gut for their Eid feast but I already know they’re going to be ungrateful.”
The CIA hopes that next year they’re allowed to expand their diversity program and extend their generous offer to people of all faiths.
“I am pretty sure there’s a guy here who believes in like 20 Gods or some shit," said Burns. "It's only fair that he gets to pick whether he wants to be beaten or burned on whatever dumb holiday he celebrates."
